Posted by
yeanwern
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Posted in
Personal
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Posted on
11:58 PM
Do I even want to believe?
Do I even want to care?
Do I even wanna go on?
If I could, I'd leave.
Why bother fixing things that aren't worth fixing? Sometimes I wished that I never had things that i could have. I wish that things were different. I wish that things would just shoot me in the shoulder. To feel pain like others. To be thrown to the wall, fighting for my life. Live or die, kill or die. Survive or get eaten. If I had to be poor and work my way up, I'd have it. Sometimes I wished I never had a house this big, never had a computer, never had a guitar, never had friends that actually care. To protect, you'd have to sacrifice and risk.
I don't see the reason why I get all these blessings and gifts. I might be better off not knowing things. I do wonder what my life was like if I wasn't Christian. Never knowing the life that lies beyond, the life that is all white and gold. Sometimes, you and I both wished we never had a family. Running away doesn't solve anything. What to do? Just shut the hell up and smile. :) Things in this life really make me doubt, even as a christian, whether there is a God. things just aren't right now. Things piss me off now. Even my friends, I don't even know whether I have the right groups. Church, school, floorball, the outer circle. What sick hopes do I get? Destroying every single hope I get, gets crushed. Every single love I get, I let go. Every blessing I get, I want to give it away.
I don't know what's worse. Fighting with your dad or fighting with your brother. Either way, I lose. I hate losing, but I hate it when people don't even listen to a word I say and they blame me. Not as if the whole family cares right? The youngest opinion is never heard. I don't get why my family and other families are so different. Kids can get so well in touch with their parents, while i just drift away. Do I really want to care?
Things have gotten worse. What use do I have? Being called useless...